when i was young...

once upon a time...
when i was young...how simple life was...
it was always a happy day...
u just gotta wake up...excited...
it's all smiles with no worries...it's always a happy day!

but yet...
i long to grew up fast!
i long to be an adult...
where im gonna be free,
im gonna work, earn my own money...
im gonna have my own family, my husband, a baby...
it's all im gonna...& i can't wait.

i have dreams...lots of dreams...
i want to grow up...& go out there to serve people...
i want to join charities, to be with d poor...
i want to go to old folks home & orphanages...
i even dream of building an old folks home together with an orphanage...
where d old folks...full of wisdom of life may lead these little poor orphans...
i tell my God..."here i am... i want to serve!"

well...now that i've grown up...
im 24 but look like 15... :S
but still im 24 with an immature mind & heart...
life everyday is like a slap on the face...
it's no longer "here i am Lord" but the selfish me of "why me Lord"

what went wrong?
why have i become bad & selfish?
where did all my dreams go?
it's still there...but procrastination...
& "I don't know how!!"

my dear Jesus,
i hope You see how lost i am...
travelling in this world alone...
i wish You'll send someone to guide me...
hugging & embracing solitary & loneliness...
i wish i can do it...
as long as You promise that i can hear You...
help me to do what You want me to do...
tell me HOW!!!
teach me...

i jz have to admit...

in my heart is full of sadness...

i couldnt let go...no matter how much i convinced myself that i could & i have...

but d truth is...i do not have alzheimer...

my love...

i gotta admit...

d person tat i love...does not loves me...

d person tat i love...has move on...

d person tat i love...is not d one for me...

d person tat i love...now is in love...& im d forgotten past tat will never be seen anymore...

my dream...

i wanted to care, i wanted to love...

i gotta admit...

d job tat i love...is not d job for me...

d job tat i love...slowly kills me of my happiness...

d job tat i love...kills d me inside me...

& i gotta admit...

i chose d wrong road...believing tat it is d right 1...

mum tried to stop me from doing nursing...

"nursing is not for you"...

i still go on wif it...

i fainted each time i see ppl in pain 

"nursing is not for me"...

'we' graduated in d dean's list through all d ups & downs...

offers from other departments to join them..

despite being a little nurse who always gets scolding...

i joined back my ward to be a little nurse...

here i am...bang my head...

am i awake?? damn...

low battery... :(

here i am... a nurse again...

all d doctors...d same reaction "oh,u're back!!!" :)
i wish to tell them "yes, i'm back my dear doctors!" but all i can do is give a big smile with a nod.

how are thgs? ermm...still struggling...

handling 12patients?? and keep every1 alive, well, happy??
no...i dun have d time :( i can't do it..

was in d morning shift yesterday & suppose to go see my children...

but i really couldnt find d courage to do so...

i canceled it! :(
i know everythg comes with a price...but i do not thk tat i could handle it...

my dear Jesus, im sorry i can't...

i can't take gd care of ur sick children in d ward..
& i also can't lead ur children in d home...no matter how much i want to...

im scared! i know i had not put enough time & effort in studying for them...
give me d strength...give me d strength to help them! please....

my dear Father,...

how i envy those who are in Madrid to gather together to meet You, to share Your love...

touch their hearts oh Lord,...

i hope to hear good news from them...

bless Lincoln who will be there alone...how brave of him...

bless Paul, Tina, Bernardine & all the pilgrims...

i really envy them alot...coz they're full wif love...your LOVE...

Here i am...low battery...

fill my cup oh Lord...i failed yesterday...

maybe that's why im so sad & all of a sudden...all the energy i have was drained out...

i will try again today...

reminding myself again & again tat watever is abt him has ntg to do wif me...

but heal him ok...i saw tat he's unwell again :( 

a new beginning...

"Psychologists tells us that it requires SIX WEEKS of doing something everyday before something becomes a habit in our lives"
no wonder...he and i were together for 6weeks before we broke up the 1st time we were together.
If it takes 6weeks for me to "can't live without him" ..then i should recover in 6weeks too.

Say hello to goodbye...the lyrics are good...
just the right song about "us"
i wonder why are there so many common thgs btw us...but why are we not meant to be?
why did Jesus let me meet him? a guy that would never be mine...
it's me...im the problem...not him...
i don't have the confidence to be with him...

i have no reason to stay with him...
i have no reason to not let him go...
i will go...
can i go out to the world...and have a look?
a place where i can build a new me?

i hope...in 6weeks time...i will not find or thk of him..
never even will i peep into fb to know how is he doing...
i do not have the right to even know how is he....so why know at all?
yes, i will wonder..i will worry...but i will leave it all to the almighty Him...and now...
its time to focus on myself...my own growth...

Ban Qing Ge - Shorty Yuen (Lyrics)

can i have real hope once again? ...

seeing so many of my frens in love...
envy feels my heart n soul...
looking back...i hv not only lost hope in love...
i lost hope in myself...
i stopped loving myself...
i stopped believing that i too worth somethg...

maybe...
maybe God allow him to come back to my life...
to help me to really really let him go...
to hv hope once again in love...
can i? will i? i leave it all to Him...

its been an embarsing day...but its so sweet :)

oh my dear Jesus, tq so much for today...its been such a wonderful day...

though so embarassing...but its so sweet... :')

today, before lunch i realize tat my purse is not in my bag!! 

i rmb leaving my purse on d table outside d meeting room where all d QPS staffs are sitting...

nervously i told ms anne...& she actually told d others incase they did saw it...

i was scared...in my mind i was thking of all d hussle of making a new ic, making police report, going to d bank to unblock n get a new bank card!! ...i tried to not show my nervousness...though im "so sure" its not at home!...i told them tat i'll jz go back & check, and they all should not worry...

oh my gdness...its rite in my pocket :P 

happily but "a bit" shy...i went back to d hospital & join ms anne for lunch...

ms anne : "aiyo...yvonne, u dunno how Jason look for your purse...he went to d boxes, look around d table u're sitting & most of all he even korek d green tong sampah!!" 

i was thking..."oh my gdness....d green tong sampah? d dirty tong sampah wif all d tissue paper n food??"  :S

ms anne : "hahahaha...if its other ppl i thk surely he will ask tat person to korek herself!" 

huhuhu...I'M SO DAMN SHY!! ms anne, this is not d time to joke...im really so shy & so sorry...

oh my gdness...die lerr...i feel lk i wanna dig a hole n cover myself in it or at least jz hide underneath d table...

:')...although its so damn embarassing to be such a careless person...

but wat he did was soooo sweet...but, i thk its bcoz it involves incident report in QPS :P 

hehe...eee...its still so so sweetly unbelievable... :D 

oh no...i still don't know how to face him tmr...

ms anne suddenly told me tat i should "make more friends...n get around more ppl"...

i thk its jz d advice tat i need....

but, how do i get around being so shy around ppl? sigh** where do i start if tat is wat i want to learn? :( 

tq Jesus for everythg...

last nite was a sad nite...where i decided to really move on...
how? i actually thought tat by transfering my thoughts to thking tat i like Jason... :P 

& look what an embarassing thg happened today...

i didnt answer aaron's call last nite & ths morning...

partly coz i was sleeping & working...(though d ME would answer)

i thought of really letting him GO...he called again in d evening...it was a gd chat...as i hv so much to tell him...

mayb tats how it should be... izit?? i don't know...to let him go as far as he wants...& jz waits for him to come back...hopefully he will each & everytime :'( 

tq Jesus for everythg...wif all my heart & all my soul..

bored...

define desperado...
define fake...
define blind..
define unloved...
define lost...
define uncertainty...
define broken...

its me...
am i trying too hard to be happy?
who am i?
unloved? no one will ever hate yvonne...
she's always nice n lovely...
no matter how she scolds =.='''

bumb into instructor aida today...
wat am i doing? "i've been kicked out of d ward" T.T
"yvonne?? being kicked out??? ceh,who would kick yvonne out?"
tats so sweet pn aida... :) tq so much!!

i lack personality...
im a nice lovely gal...on d outside...
nice to look at...but not nice to touch :P
Jesus, help me to go out there...n find myself...
gv me d courage to make frens...old & young...
to build ME...a new ME :( 

G.NA - Rumors [Eng Sub]

fear...

i wish i'll die, when breathing seems difficult...
i wish i'll stop breathing, when tears can't stop flowing...

but still i'll let you go...
if letting you go, gives you happiness...
as long as you're happy...
even with tears of sadness...
tears of missing you...
tears of not being able to love you...
i will be happy for you...
i will smile for you...

my dear...promise me...
that you will be happy...
i'll be miserable if i do not know how u're doing...
whether you still hv headaches or feeling dizzy?
whether you're losing weight more n more?
whether you're drinking & smoking more than you should?
n most of all...whether will she love you for me?
i know you'll be happier being wif some1 you love more...

i know you'll take gd care of yourself...
tats why i should stop reacting like im a superwoman...
while there's ntg i could do for you...
my dear...
i wish i'll forget everythg that ever happen btw us...
coz its all jz a dream...
a dream tat i thought is too gd to be true...
but the truth is...d dream is never real before...

i found the way to let you leave...

loving you...
day & nite, every minute, every second...
deep down inside, i know...
i know im not the one tat u love...
n to keep you is selfish...

how long will i cry...
i don't know...

waiting all alone in d bus stop...
i finally hv a car...
ths lonely road...i will travel alone...
hoping tat you will find d one tat you love...

made a wrong turn, i miss d road
where am i going...i don't know...
cars around me everywhere...
where are you all going?
i lost my way once again...
road signs...i can't see heaven...
where i wanted to be...
all i can do...is jz continue driving...
hoping tat someday...i'll find eternity...

its dark out there, its scary...
oh Father, when will you take me home?

only hope...

dear Lord,

my heart...is full of tears...

im so scared...im so scared of what's gonna happen...

i can't let go...i dun wanna let go...

i can't breathe...i can't cry...n i jz wanna die...

pentecost is tmr...

deep down in my heart i still chosed him instead of You...

You who is always there for me...

when tears flow, when heart pounds, when breathing seems so difficult & painful...

dear Lord...when will u take me home? 

i know...
it's almost time... :'( 

how am i suppose to breathe without u again?

"Men like older women because "Elder women are more wise and experienced in their relationships with men.Agree?"
a quotation from his' facebook :( ...
i believe there's a time n reason for everythg...that Jesus will also help put/arrange for us...
i guess the time has come...almost near...
i will rmb all tat i promise...to keep all our memories n let him go...when he wants to...
i can feel my heart beating fast...i wonder "how am i suppose to breathe after it finally happened?" 
i rmb n will never forget...how hard breathing is thking tat he's not by myside anymore...wondering how is he doing...is he eating well?...is he having any headache/fever/stomach upset?...is he happy? 
i know i shouldnt be greedy...
soon most probably im gonna hv to move on n lead my own life again...
no matter how hard it is gonna be...i know i'll hv Jesus right by my side...


:) forgot to update a happy memory...
he msg me 1evening while he was shopping "i brought somethg for u" 
:') here wif me now is issey miyake...
"dear issey miyake...i love you so much...ur smell n everythg abt u...coz not only u r issey miyake...but u r from him...
now u're gonna stay wif me...remind me of our happy moments even when he's gone...u're gonna accompany me okay? 
i hope i can carry ur elegant smell...n i hope u lk me too!..."

living to love you

15th of february...i counted it as where we started again...

i stopped counting d days...so tat i wont think of it so much, as i dun wan it to end...

its now d 10th of april...almost 2months...

before this we were together for 1 1/2 month...:') we've passed through tat period!! 

its really a "yay" & a "wow" for me...with tears of joy & gratefulness from my heart...tq Jesus! 

i remember telling Jesus, .....

"Jesus, please...i just wish i had more memories with him...i wish i can take care of him....i wish he will remember me forever" 

Jesus made my impossible dream came true...

he came back when i was dumped cruelly! he came back!! 

so its true you know "there is no mountain too big, tat God kenot handle" 

he's now wif me...

its unbelievable...but its true! 

is his heart wif me? i dont know...

and it doesn't matter...coz all i want is to be by his side...

to know tat he's well... to know when he's not well...

to hv d right to love n care for him!! 

Jesus "just one more day...one more day"  is my everyday prayer

n here i found myself being more n more greedy! 

how much i misses him when i don't see him! 

i wonder if i can keep my promise to move on happily when he leaves me...

i wonder will i be able to breathe den...

i wonder if i will hate him to move on again...

i promise... i will smile thinking of all d memories of us together...given to me by Jesus

i promise to not hate persona, to not cry watching movies in d cinema n realizing he's not d 1 beside me...

i promise to live life with Jesus...n only pray for his happiness...

i promise to be independent...in a world where he will not see or hear from me...

each n everyday i say "im ready" n also said "but Jesus, can i have one more day" 

i just love this guy so much!! i don't know why...

but Jesus...i love you so much!! tq for everything...with all my heart!

i took leave today....i want to see him!! tomorrow he'll start working already...

i know...he might not be mine soon...

as i took "i couldn't get out of bed" as an excuse...its impossible to hang out in sunway pyramid...

so tropicana city mall was in my mind..

n there...he msg "we'll go to tropicana mall" :) 

i wore a dress today :) which i never will wear when we go out...coz i couldn't wear heels 

(my legs...the muscle ache was quite bad after d jungle trekking) btw,i had a wonderful day rafting n trekking)

n i hope i can at least wear a dress once for him to see..

i wish i can go to 'look out point' with him looking beautiful...

so i mentioned tat place...tat i heard was going to close, hoping tat he will wanna go there tonite

after d movie, though he wanted to go back n prepare for work tmr...

i thk he knew...

it wasnt really d time tat i wished cz he spent most of his time fb-ing on iphone...

i wonder does all ths "coincidence" or reading of d mind without any words go to do wif us

i wish we were meant to be...

i know there'll be lots of ups n downs in d middle...with me being a super low self confidence person...

i just wish i be there with him when he's old...

where he needs some1 to take care of him...i just wish its me...

it doesn't matter...i just wish tat he's well all d time...

den i will be happy! i promise!! 

my dear Jesus...i leave everything to You...tq for everthing, i love You!! 

it's all so wonderful now..

i realize in most of my post...

i hv been so emo...

n most of it is abt my relationships...

abt him...n d other him...

n now back wif him...

im so in love wif him...jz wanna hug him n be there for him for d rest of my life...

but it doesnt matter...

i only hope tat he will be happy forever...

n as long as i know tat he's happy...i will be too...

i'll cherish every single day tat God gave me...d chance to be wif him...n takes care of him...

i love him Jesus...n i love u so much...tq for everythg...

well, enuf abt my emo life....

in d ward now....wow...there's so many of my bedridden popoS kongkongS...

hymm...although its so scary...but i just love taking care of them...

they're really so cute...especially when they're confused...

S  - scenario

M - my thoughts

S:  i woke him up for antibiotics....but only succeeded after several attempts...

he woke up wif d deep breath - shock to see me ...he said "i dreamt of an angel coming to me..."

he smiled n say "its u!" 

M: luckily u din thought im a ghost...huhuhu....i really wish im an angel...though im not...i promise i'll always try to be 1...so sorry...i destroyed ur dream...it must be a gd 1...

S: popo asked..."y arent u asleep"?...i answer her "i cant, im working...popo go to sleep k?" den popo asked " y d tv havent sleep?" so i switched off d tv n said "okie....popo, d tv sleep ady" den popo asked again "y my leg havent sleep?" 

M: haha...popo, though i don't know how to answer u...but u're really so cute!!!!! thanks for making my day...dun be sad k? u'll fall asleep...jz close ur eyes k? muaxxx...

S: when d alarm rang, i answered d call bell...kongkong was nicely sitting on d wheelchair ady...d wife said tat she's cold....cant get out of d room but he wants to go 1 round around d ward on a wheelchair ride...so i brought him 1 round. he's so cute...his voice is so damn loud...i thk he wakes all my patients up n gave them a shock! he did try to lower down his voice....but it was still loud...so u can imagine how loud he is when he shouts! i brought kongkong back to his room after 1 round....he looks at his wife n persuaded her to brg him around...he's shy n doesnt want to bother me...but his wife tried to refuse....after scolding her in a loud tone for quite some time...he suddenly STOPS...SMILES...n said to his wife "tolonglah...hehehe" 

M: faint...oiiyoo...so cute!!!!!! lk tat oso can??? hehe...kongkong, u always uses ths method n it works rite? wink* dun be so naughty...pinch on d face*  

S: "yvonne, ur help is needed...popo talking in chinese...i don't und!" so i went to see popo...popo said "soup"

so i asked popo "erm...wat soup popo...popo thirsty? hungry?" popo den said "off d gas...dun forget to switch it off" 

M: fainted* popo...its 3am now...u're in d hospital oo...d next day...i heard from my colleagues...popo told d dr..."im now in hotel...grand dorsett" faint** 

S: d bell rang...it was popo on d 2nd bed...n i hv to pass through d 1st bed! hymm....i dun lk d her in d 1st bed!! so i tip toe in d room...n pass her by...i tot i successfully did it...coz her eyes was closed! job done...i tip toe towards d door again...n suddenly i heard..."y din call me aunty today?" 

M: aunty!!!!! i dun lk u!!!!!!!! if i like u...i'll call u 10 million times :) so be nice to me k? :P 

hehe...k lar...tats all for now...

darling wake up ady...he's hungry...n eating kuih there...so cute!!! naughty boy...

tq Jesus for everythg...i love You!!! 

Nelly - Just a dream (Lyrics)

it's only just a dream...
4mths ago...only 4mths ago...
i thought i finally moved on...
i thought tat i've finally found another guy tat i like...
a good guy...
a guy who is matured...stable...and GOOD...
i "THOUGHT"...

i met him in d hosp...
he was always there every night taking care of uncle...
n uncle was so cute...
looking at how he cares for uncle...
how much he loves his father...
it crossed my mind tat ths guy is so sweet...
tat how lucky his wife or gf will be...

n there he is..
i thought it was a fairytale...
when he came n ask me out
when he brgs me to d top of kl...to see d world
when i stop thking abt 'him' n start anew
when he say he loves me
when he ask me not to leave him
when he ask me to marry him

everythg was a lie...
n i was stupid...

wat am i doing here?
i don't know...
i stopped breathing normally when 'he' left me...
i started breathing again when i met him...
n now im wif d 'him' who stopped my breathing...
n i still love 'him'...

i finally met him again...
can't believe we actually had valentines day together...
yea...im in dreamland...
yvonne's disney dreamland... :P

when will i ever learn?
tat in d end everythg will only be a lie...
maybe...
maybe i'll only learn d day tat i stop breathing as a person...
d day i breathed out my last breath...