new life...

hello everybody!! :D
its been so long since i last blog...
ermm...mayb i can say i don't hv d time...but i guess its a break from d comp world...a world where i hv met him...n closed him down...or mayb i jz dun hv d inspiration to write...
see...ths proves tat d most down part of our lives is d most inspirational part of our lifes..

well...its been some time since i started out a new life...
i jz havent update it to every1...its suppose to be a secret ( i promised myself)...but obviously again i failed to keep my promise...
some part of my sad life has now been closed down
("some part" coz on n off actually it does pops out! not a bad thg coz it actually balances my life)
d sun has appear...n there i found a beautiful sunflower...
n hopefully a new beginning...
the story will be continue in d next blog...
coz ths is jz a hello to every1..n im back!! wink**

d best actress...d great pretender...is me!

today i really felt lk i've won d award for d best actress of d year!
it's not d 1st time i got slap wif these statements...but today i confirmed it...
:'( how i hate myself for being such a pretender...tat i thk i've even successfully cheated my ownself.

today is 9th of july...n 1st of august is coming...
its gonna be ONE year already!!!
but...oh my gdness..."why am i so STUPID?" !!
tears still flows!! (though stopable)
heart still aches!! (though much less)
attacks still comes (though not as often)
but it is still there!!
the truth is...it is bleeding still...
coz in my head...its all full of d PAST! full!!
can i jz met an accident n forget everythg tat ever happen?
why? WHY cant i accept that wat's not mine will never be mine?
why cant i accept tat its over...n he will never come back...
its all dust to him....im jz a little bubble...
i hate myself! (1)

quite sometime ago...my patient asked me "wat makes u so cheerful all d time?"
oh shit...i felt an instant slap on my face...
but i laugh...
(b4 i go to work tat day, i was still crying)
i felt proud...tat deep within d sadness in my heart...
i did n can still bring happiness to my patients!!
"well done yvonne" i thought...(i thought!!)

today...
a patient whom i really had no gd feelings of...
tat kept me wif a frown n long mouth the whole day...
a patient tat i really dislike bcoz of her rudeness at times*
a patient tat i tell every1..."i really really kenot tahan"
tells d therapist "ehh,ths is my god-daughter...i like her"
suddenly...my breathing stops! blood rushes to my face...
ths time its not a slap, its a hit right at d face!
i felt so guilty!! i hv been a liar unconsciously...
i cheated her wif my double face...when i shud hv love her for real...
i hate myself (2)
i am d great pretender...yes, i am!! :S

i told myself i must go find janice before she go to uk...n back wif her bf, mr optic boy :)
coz i know when he's back...janice will no longer be mine...
ting2 is no longer mine...
of course i dun wanna be a light bulb...
i went home after i stop by in chemo day care n learned tat she has fly to uk...
again...d pretender laughs...while her heart cries...
she will not be able to spend time wif her fren anymore...

i went home...facing d four walls...
i look at my car...i can go out...
but i dun wan to...i went to sleep...wif a heavy heart
phone sang...msg from irene, from koko n from jie jie...
"din i wanna go out?" "din i jz dun wanna be alone?"
"NO...d sad truth is...i jz wanna be wif him"
i hate myself (3)

kong kong ask me "am i married"
haha...my usual joke..."nolar...kongkong, nobody want me"
wif muka kesian*
"I WONDER WHY PEOPLE LOVES TO ASK ME THS Q TAT I HATE TO ANS SO MUCH!"
:( kong kong say..."aiya, u're too short lar"
=.=''' kongkong, u're so bad!! :P
thanks for making my day...so plus d patient tat i didnt like,
2patients asked me/said tat i am their god-daughter...  :D
so there goes Jesus giving me joy in d sadness of d heart...
tq Jesus i love ya... :)
how i wish u will grant me my only 2 wishes :'(
thanks though for everythg...i really appreciate everythg n all comments...
even "aiya, u're too short lar" :D may God bless u kong kong!

soul mate...

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/88948/dating-101-have-you-found-your-soul-mate
came across ths article from yahoo wif a question "do you believe there is a soul mate out there for you?"

i use to sing "somewhere out there" b4 i met him...
now...ths song reminds me of a sad somewhere out there tat i tot has appear, is actually not T.T
hymm...dun really wanna disappoint my heart again but...will believing again...tat out there, there is a soul mate for me prepared for me from God, gave me hope n help me rise again?
there goes d OST from d taiwan drama "fated to love you" - ban qing ge and wo de kuai le...
be strong yvonne...Jesus will always love you...

went shopping today...haha...bought 2blouses, 1skirt, n 1dress (sumthg lk marilyn monroe's version kinda dress) fell in love wif myself when i had it on. - y are there so many nice clothes all around ths season? now i hv to bar myself from sunway...otherwise $$ will gonna fly away jz lk tat. "aiyo...buy so many clothes for wat? everyday u wear d uniform to work only wat!"

today i took out my student ID tat has my form4 (i thk) picture on it...n i showed my fren's bf as kim gary asked if we brought out student card. ting said "yeah,tats yvonne. SHE WAS VERY FAT!" haha...hey, as if last time im really SO FAT!! jz abit chubby rite?

ting is so hot rite now...slowly im sure she'll transform. i guess all of us will...we jz need to dare do it...n be a little hardworking. i rmb i had to promise myself tat i won't wear t-shirts anymore. i wanna look n make myself pretty. in "young discipleship" during d "garden time" i told father tat i saw ducklings swimming in a pond. to me they're not ugly...they're cute. but father asked me..."do u see urself as d ugly duckling" ...wow...tears flow lk nobody's business...its always lk tat...i seldom realize wats really inside my heart...yes, i do feel lk an ugly duckling...im sorry Jesus, not tat im not thankful for wat u gave me...but having low self esteem is really me...but i wont wanna be over confident, i dun wanna be bold...its nice to be humble as long as not too humble to d point ppl steps on ur head.
last say : tq Jesus...i might not be in d list of models n beauty queens but definitely...im not an ugly duckling tat i tot i am...ugly duckling has bcome a little swan! wink* tq Jesus!! wif tears of happiness n gratefulness*

watched d movie "clash of d titans" jz now wif koko...
its jz lk in d book of Job...no matter wat God allows or hv to allow...He will be there for us...to help us, to guide us, to fight wif us, to watch over us, to win d race for us...He loves us...n is waiting for our love back...
everyday, i promise to spend time in prayers wif God...n everyday...He waited n waited n waited...but here i am!! sitting in front of d comp 24/7 wasting my time!! so...gdnite...all i gotta do is promise myself tat i'll move on...promise myself tat i'll surrender my life 2Jesus n trust Him...n promise myself tat i will spend time each n every single day wif God! as He's all tat we'll ever need!

low low battery...

feeling so tired...
i guess i've finish all my inner strength at work...
had been doing OT continuously for 2days...
n den went back to ipoh...(had a great time wif my lovely family)...
n den 4NIGHTS straight!!
yea...we use to do tat for management...
but now i guess i couldnt tolerate it anymore...
got use to working 2nites only...n den battery will be kong!

it makes my life kind of meaningless...
as after work, u had to jump to bed as u'll be walking zig zag or nodding infront of d comp
n den if u ever wake up b4 6pm, u'll be only searching for food,
n wif a full tummy jump bek to bed! =P

nite shift...it makes me kinda stress...
i don't know y...but i jz cant cope wif it...
couldnt finish my work on time...
taking care of 12patients...doing changes...noticing undone changes
makind sure everythg is prepared for d next day...
i jz cant make sure i left ntg wif so little time!
yea, i can skip supper wif my stomach growling away...
but work is still undone...

sigh...i really hate d "me" who works so slow
in a nice way...its call gentle...
but in reality...its call slow
i tell myself gv d care i wan to gv to my patients...
i must complete all d paper works ASAP!!
but no matter how hard i tried...work will still be slow...
mentor mummy will keep urging "yvonne u better faster arr! now ady wat time"
sigh* i really dun wan to be slow but how fast can i be??
i really tried!! n i really wanna keep trying!! but i feel tat i really can't!
n im so tired!!! i don't know wat to do...
coz its not jz work undone...but its slowing down other ppl as well...
n incomplete work leads to sad mummy mentor who has to bear d shit i left for her

how can i be independent by next mth??
oh shit!! i really hope tat these 2days of off...
i can sleep, rest n do all tat i need to regain my battery...
n spend some time wif Jesus...spiritually drained!!
but d other half of me urges me to go out...n dun be such a pity to rot at home!
sigh** so many thgs undone...
no time to study...room is such a mess...prayers unsaid, bible unread, books untouched...
oh my gdness...pls stop d time...in d end i still do ntg...
wat a procastinator i am! my dear yvonne...WAKE UP!!!
sigh* tat's all for now...fingers crossed...tmr gonna be shopping day wif my dear ting ting...
n den meeting koko for movie...Jesus is waiting still :(
sorry Jesus...i'll pack up now...see u later...muahh!!! Jesus...im so sorry! i love You!!

i learnt, in a very unforgettable way...

Love…
I ask Jesus to show me what is love…
N ths is wat He had to say :
Y am I sad?
I say : bcoz I dun mean anythg to him
Jesus say : bcoz I dun mean anythg to u

I say : I keep looking for him hoping tat he’ll come back
Jesus say : I keep looking for u hoping tat u’ll come back

I say : I wish that he will thk of me, even for just awhile
Jesus say : I wish tat u will thk of me, even just for awhile
I say : I wish he gave me a chance to love n care for him as much as I do
Jesus say : I wish tat u gave me a chance to love n care for u as much as I do

I say : eventhough he dun love me, I wish that he will take care of himself, not get sick like he always does n everthg will go fine with his life
Jesus say : eventhough u dun love me, I still wish tat u will be well n everythg goes on fine with ur life

I say : y did he left when all I want is to love him? I hope tat he love me too
Jesus say : y did u go far away from me when all I want is to love u? I hope tat u love Me too

I say : I wish that when he’s sick or sad, he’ll thk of me n need me
Jesus say : I wish that when u’re sick or sad, u’ll thk of Me n need Me

I say : I cant love him coz im no 1 to him anymore
Jesus say : I can’t love u coz im no 1 to u…

I say : I keep looking for his car, hoping tat someday he will come n look for me, at least for just 1peep?
Jesus say : I keep looking for ur prayer, hoping tat someday u will come n look for Me, at least just for 1minute will do

I say : d pain is enough…I dun wan to love anymore
Jesus say : d pain is enough…but I will still always love u

I say : y did he take away my dreams my wish n my hope? My everythg? My Disneyland dream, my Disney songs, my dream of a bf tat I love n my wish of a family wif a 1tat I love…n happy ever after?
Jesus say : y did u take away my dreams my wish n my hope? My everythg? My house in heaven, my dream of staying with u all in my house tat I’ve built specially for u all, d whole family…happy ever after?

I say : I’ve never love any1 so much in my life other den my family members
Jesus say : u never love Me so much in ur life other den ur family members

I say : im tired of loving…
Jesus say : I am love…n u’re tired of me

I say : Jesus im so tired, I dun have any strength left anymore
Jesus say : y r u so weak? Where’s d strength tat I gave u?

I say : eventhough he’s not perfect, but he always seems perfect to me. So many thgs tat he did n say tat I dun lk n wonder what am I to him, but its still ok to me, coz I love him
Jesus say : eventhough u’re SO not perfect, but u always seems perfect to me. so many thgs tat u did n say tat is wrong, but its still ok. I die for all tat u did wrong, for ur imperfection, for everythg tat keeps u away from me…
bcoz I love u…

I say : Jesus, I wish I never met him before
Jesus say : den u will not know wat my love is all about, how much I love u all, how much I wish u all will thk of me, how I waited for ur prayers everyday every minute every second, how I wish tat u will love me, how much I wish tat I mean somethg to u all

I say : my heart hurts each time I thk of him
Jesus say : now u know y my sacred heart bleeds…I thk of all of u all d time

"N finally Jesus say : will u be mine n not leave me anymore?
U keep crying n crying n crying…do u know now how much I’ve cried for u all?"

“Jesus, I understand now. N I promise I will bear all ths n love u as much as u hv shown me wat’s ur love is. I can’t promise u anythg…coz ur love is so big n so wide…but know tat I do love U n U do mean a lot to me…my life…my strength…my hope…my guardian…my father…my creator…my everythg.”
...Fill my cup Lord, for i feel so dry so dry so dry now...

Love is a song tat never ends...

Maybe time will heal...

maybe i'll forget...

but till then...its poison...

a poison tat kills so slowly...so slowly...

no regrets

wat am i feeling now?
i thk inside...its bleeding...
but den, d wound is covered now
i finally chose to gather all my courage n tell him
tat i love him still...
its almost past 24hrs already...
with no reply...i guess any dummy would know d answer

i asked myself will i regret telling him...
getting turn down again? n getting my face all scratched up?
i hope d answer stays on...NO REGRETS.
im proud of myself...:) its somethg...
tat little or none will choose to do
tat i myself never thk i would choose to do...

i know from ths step onwards...
i will finally move forward n NEVER look back again...
lk i've always did
having taken ths step...
i thk i shud know now...tat i hv to be brave...
as ths road has to come to an end.
hope has to die...
but a new flower...a more beautiful 1 i hope will grow
fingers crossed**

looking back, i really never dare dream i will find some1 i love tat much...
being really stubborn...

i chose to keep it deep in my palm, n din wanna let go

eventhough deep down inside i know it doesnt belong to me...

there r thgs tat God will say NO...

Jesus, how i wish its a YES...

but i will accept ur NO...

n trust u...coz u ask me to...

hehe...n coz i dun hv any choice

i abide :) jz stay close to me

n gv me d strength to move forward

"ask n u shall receive"

therefore "my Lord, gv me d strength tat i need"

-love-

again...

d popo i take care of go away ady lerr...
i really din expect ths at all...
i knew she was deteriorating...
but i really din expect her to leave so soon

i read my diary yesterday...
it says "cant wait to be a real nurse...
i will get my butt out there, make myself busy n serve d world"
n den i wonder where d hell has all ths feeling gone?
ths morning, after a nite in wonderland...
i woke up...d question pass my mind...
n i tot of d popo...
"yay!! im doing nite shift so i can take care of popo...
n make sure she's ok! can't wait to go to work to see her"
a msg pop out in d evening...
tat says she's no more there as she was coded early in d morning

wat am i feeling now?
it felt lk a big slap on my face...
n im a walking ghost!
she asked me "will i get better"
i said "of course u will!! u will, ok?u will!"

they say "be thankful"
its true...
tq Jesus, for giving me a chance to know popo,
to care for her, to find n know back my passion in nursing through ths popo.
she's home now...i should be happy rite? tq Jesus for everythg!

dear little popo, tq n may u RIP.

a blessing in disguise...

d ent/gynae ward

2months ago,

when i found out i was posted to ent/gynae for management...

i cried! n i cried real badly!

lk i was crazy...

sem4 :

i was scolded (shouted actually) by a very pretty staff nurse for d 1st time in history...

all i answered her was "ermm...but his wife is inside"

she chased me n shouted "is d patient's wife suppose to do ur work??"

fainted** i really din mean to not do my work...n i was jz asking! but i really din know tat even patient's wife is in d room...i still hv to help my patient get dress up!! scratching my head** sigh**

my 1st reaction when some1 shouted at me...was to runaway...so i ran for my life!

i din mean to be rude...but to her i was rude! n there goes im chopped..."ketua kongsi gelap"

as im d group leader tat sem! fainted*

"ths haunted me for almost a year!!" cried so long...thking am i wrong? am i? am i?  :(

sem5 :

"hah??? i hv to go back to d ward for practical for 2weeks??"

cried again** i feel tat they all hated me!! :S

BUT...God really blessed me...

guess wat...d 2weeks im posted there... :P...

there wasnt even once tat im in d same syift as her...hahaha...

God really heard me crying!!

sem6 :

management in ent/gynae???????????

wink* now u see y i said...i cried lk i was crazy?! :P

BUT...

thgs really really really hv been so beautiful...

it was d best posting tat i've ever had!!

how they taught us without looking down on us...

how they forgive me for my wrongs...

how they accept tat im a student n i don't know much...

how they make sure tat someday i may be perfect lk them...

how they never gave up though i always forget thgs :P

how they joke wif us...

how they make us feel special wif d damn bold sdmc students...

tq very very much staffs of ent/gynae...

oh yea..forgot to mention kak mega n also kak su...

u guys are all so great!

n kak mega, i'll never forget u...u're really a superwoman!

huhuhu...love u all so much!

i really hope to work in ent/gynae bcz of u alll...

but...i really wanted to work in d onco ward...

its y i bcome a nurse :(

i wanna care for d terminally ill n d dying...i wanna be there for them...

how i wish ent/gynae is d onco ward :(

im so sad...now its already d end of my 2months of posting...

oh yea...4got to mention : d staff nurse left n went to saudi already...tats y :P

now those left are all d angels!

tq so much for everythg especially deputy bimel...u're really so special! u make my days in ent/gyane so beautiful...n u really taught me alot!

tq so much also to my mentor..sn fizah...tq so much for everythg....n so sorry for all d troubles i've caused u.

not forgetting deputy noriza...sn teong...sn suriana...n all of u...for teaching us n making us feel lk home!!

love u all so much!! God bless u all...

the rest is still unwritten...

2010...

its now 2010...
time flies...
2009 ended jz lk tat...
i wanna rmb it all...
but i wanna forget it all...
rmb it to keep somethg beautiful tat i thought was a present to me
forget it coz im a nobody n i know its time to let go as some1 new has come,
jz at d right time for him...so tat i can leave him in 2009!

they say im too stuborn...
they ask for a chance...they say they can replace...they say many thgs...
i really felt so touched...
i really felt so grateful...
i really wish i can accept...
i really wish!! :(
BUT
born wif the stuborn-ness of my daddy... :P (i jz realize where it came from too)
my brain refuses to forget...
my heart refuses to let go...
though i know very well...ths guy is not for me...
i guess more than 10pails of water i hv shed...
am i tired? yes!
but tears shed...bleeding stops...
d heart heals slowly...it keeps me sane!

:) my dears...
tq for liking me...
tq for ths miracle as...i use to tell my frens,
"God will not drop down guys for me from heaven tat will come knocking at my door all of a sudden"
but now i know HE WILL...
coz there came u guys!! :')
He will for me...n HE WILL for u too...
i believe every1 has their own some1 prepared by God.
i will not say...we are impossible...
coz ntg is impossible...
mayb u are d 1...
but right now...i guess,
my heart needs a rest.

you asked...y is he so special??...
honestly "i don't know!!"
i prayed for love...
n i fell in love...
i've waited for it so long in my life...
its lk cinderella, snow white n beauty
i felt lk im d princess when im wif him...
coz its love...
d love tat makes me feel lk a princess...
i guess...tat's y he's so special...

coz i love him! :(
well...

d clock strikes 12mn...

n now im back to who i really am...

i guess life has jz gotta go on... :(

so...

bag packed... adjusting my bag on my back*

im heading to d long highway...

no matter wat ... rain, snow, hot sun?

i hv it all in my bag, all tat is needed...together wif my secret weapon...

da da da da...my umbrella!!!  :P ella...ella...ella (hahaha*)
tq for stopping ur car...n offering me a ride...
but right now i would lk to take a walk...
scroll down n see d nature...
wud u lk to walk wif me?
i believe...man power is much needed in charity...they need a mummy n a "daddy"
join me please will u? :D

2010 mission :
i hope to serve...
1. st thomas more church
2. house of joy
3. the sick
i hope to give my family a better life...
1. brg mummy go shopping
2. settle a bit of daddy's burden
3. brg my bro n sisters go grab nice yummy expensive food :P
fingers crossed...God pls help me...
all i wanna do is to serve...
mr peter imran said "it will be a gd year for u!"
wow! u really do sound so sure of tat n i really do hope so!! wink*